Combatting Mum guilt
/Ah, the ubiquitous Mum guilt (or parent guilt, for the Dads who feel this too). Motherhood in this modern age seems to be defined by it.
I first experienced full-on Mum guilt around 3 months in, when I was faced with the decision to switch to mixed feeding, or risk my own health and continue exclusive breast feeding. Once I’d made peace with that decision, and seen how good it was for our family, I had another long stint of relative contentment. But lately, we’ve had so many unsettled nights and zombie-like mornings, we decided it was time to teach Ruben to properly self-settle. That is, settle without us in the room, and without his beloved pacifier (in other words, we decided to sleep train him).
Cue massive guilt over going against my motherly instincts. I still have mixed feelings about it, but seeing the huge improvement in his sleep patterns, we have faith we are doing something right for him and our family. Perhaps because this is one of the first ‘rule-following’ things I’ve done as a mother, I feel guilty.
But why do we often feel so guilty about parenting? Is it because in our online world there’s so much conflicting information about how to parent, and vocal supporters and opposers at every turn? Is Mum guilt even a new thing, or has it always been part of mother’s lives? Anyone with Grandmothers still around, like to ask them?
Talking to other mums, some of the common guilt-inducing scenarios that come up include:
I can’t breastfeed
I need to go back to work
I feel like I don’t spend enough quality time with our kids
I’m staying at home, not earning money (yes, the opposite to point 2).
Alternative thoughts
What if we reframed the scenarios above to:
Milk is a food source. If baby is fed, I’m doing a good job.
Working is important for my identity. And yeah, it’s nice to have some extra money.
I have to do other stuff in my day, but sometimes I can focus solely on my kids too.
I’m contributing to the important, unpaid work of raising a human being. Even if governments don’t take this work into account in GDP, it’s an important part of our society.
Feeling connected
At the end of these long hard days, all we can do is our best. I found a great piece on stopping Mum guilt, that talked about connection. If you give your time to your child and be present…
If you’re not breastfeeding, when you bottle feed you can completely connect with your child.
When you’re home from work, you can concentrate on reading a story or playing with your child.
When you spend time on you, you give this the focus it deserves, after having connected with your child in a meaningful way that day.
I like this idea that feeling connected with your child and others in your family can banish away guilt we just don’t need to feel. What other ways do you fight against Mum guilt?
